WARNING: YOU ARE ENTERING AN H.I.Z. – HIGHLY IRREVERENT ZONE.
Now that I spend most of my spare time glued to parenting blogs and mommy message boards, and have a number of fellow blogging buds, I have become much more aware of the online attack mob, comin’ to git the author of a controversial comment or post.
Sometimes, I confess, I have been that online attack mob. Just look at one of my recent posts, entitled, “Bitch, Please!”
In the mom-blog arena we go for blood.
And you, dear lady, you want in.
You’re a bit bored. You feel like a failure. One of your New Years’ resolutions was to eat more healthfully, but before January 7 you dove into a bag of chips/box of cookies/tub of ice cream like it was a pool on a hot day.
The endorphins were short lived, weren’t they?
But ladies, there IS no high like starting shit anonymously. I mean, hell, we all know the best kind of drama is with strangers over the Internet!* A mom takes your viewpoint personally and it is ON! Mommies get offended easily. They’re tired, overworked, underappreciated and me-time deprived. They are 120% committed to the most important project of their lives – raising children. They are supersanctimonious, seeing many issues as dividing lines with NO grey area, not just in their own households, but for all.
Blah, blah, blah, that’s all fine and good, but how do I start an online brawl, you ask? Well, here are 10 surefire ways to create a firestorm in Mommyland and some excitement for yourself!**
1. My milkshake brings… Be a breastfeeding hardliner. Talk about your decision not to breastfeed because of its aesthetic effect on the “girls.” Express curiosity/disdain about those who breastfeed children practically old enough to drive. Or equate formula with poisoning one’s child.
2. Boast. When other mothers make themselves feel better by saying that no mother really does it all – surely we all sacrifice SOMETHING, proudly declare, “I DO do it all, beee-yatches!” Announce that you are attractive, well groomed, have a kick-ass stylishly dressed bod, a successful business, a nice home and a husband where sex happens more than a national election cycle. And yes, your children are intelligent, kind, and emotionally secure. Tell the ladies that they need to get their fat asses off the bitter bus and start making it rain…
3. “Kids over dogs!” Tell dog owners that you will call the cops faster than a sheltered country club woman watching some tatted-up strangers approach her front door, if you see so much as a picture of a canine in any clearly marked “No Dogs Allowed” playground.
4. Come off like an allergy bigot. Because your child has her own sensory processing issues and the only source of no-refrigeration-needed protein your child can enjoy at school is peanut butter, suggest that maybe there could be a separate classroom/area/track for allergic children. Go Skippy!
5. Extol the virtues of the other America. For example, if you live in a liberal, urban community, be sure to remind people that they could easily trade up to the wonderful schools and safe, clean communities of the suburbs. If your community is not diverse state not just your desire, but your imminent PLANS to mix things up a bit by say doing yearlong exchange (and I do mean exchange) with an African boys’ choir and a local male chorus.
6. Spare the rod…Admit to having spanked your child. Then discuss how you think it’s a viable mode of discipline when all else has failed. Or tell even the occasional Spankerina that she is ruining her children and should be wearing an orange jumpsuit in a state-run gated community.
7. The C-section spa. Wish publicly that despite the fact that you had no medical complications, you wish to God you had scheduled your first child to be delivered by c-section, at your convenience, like you would say, a root canal or bikini wax. Tell everyone that natural childbirth was so not worth it.
8. Circumcisions-R-us! Advocate circumcision of infant boys. Whatever religion they are. I guarantee people will want to cut YOU after this post!
9. So a baby walks into a bar… Wax proud about how you and your gal pals not only like to drink during a playdate, but how you’ll take your babes to Ye Olde Tavern while the ladies enjoy a little tipple. Hey, you can handle it, and what does Junior know anyway? It’s not like he’s 10 years old, jeez…
10. I like my poultry and my kids to be free range. You live in the city. You let your six year old walk the dog alone. You live two doors down from the playground, so you escort your four year old there and go back home. At the park you think even preschool-age kids can and should work it out themselves, so you retreat into your Ipad.
Once you’ve picked your poison, write away. It doesn’t even have to be true! Be sure to be totally black and white about it! Then sit back and watch that s–t light up! It will be truly biblical, as some will swear you are the Messiah and others will want to nail you to something.
*Just as long as they can’t access your home address and other sensitive/potentially dangerous information.
**The arguments below are for entertainment purposes only, and do not necessarily represent the views of Mom’s New Stage.