Parents at School: A Field Guide

 

1.  The Socialite:

Breezes out of her sleek, late model, top-of-the-line SUV/kidmobile.  This SAHM probably doesn’t know your name, and if direct eye contact is made, might acknowledge your or your child’s existence.  She will, however, make sure you overhear how she is on her way to golf/the salon/the trainer’s/ Boca.  Do not ask for a playdate even if your child and hers are BFFs.

 

 

 

 

 

2.  The Sexpot:     

Whether its head to toe Lulu or jeans and a top, it shows everything the Lord, or plastic surgery, gave her.  She is usually fully made up, even at 8 a.m.  You wonder what her story is, this woman who has commented on her daughter’s dance teacher’s hot ass to the teachers face.  This gal is probably lots of fun, but is socializing with this cougar a good idea?

 

 

 

 

 

3.  The Argumentative Accoster:

When you see this parent, run!  He loves to talk to you because you are a nice, mild-mannered person.  Furthermore he thinks he’s a great guy and that his lecturing is winning you over! Don’t say anything, because you can’t win.  And you will spend the rest of the day stewing, wondering if having said, “Please sir, shut the blank up!” would get your family banished from the school.

 

 

 

 

 

4.  The Irunthisplace Parent:  

Serves on several committees and pays better attention to her school duties than most people do their children, homes and jobs combined.  The fund raiser – she raised enough to sell Mark Zuckerberg into slavery.  The cleaning duties – the kids could use the legos to eat their soup.  Will let offenders know instantaneously if they have broken a rule, so watch out, #9.  Oh, and that one so-called function you busted your ass on could REALLY have benefited from her expertise.

 

 

 

5.  Mr. and/or Mrs. Incongruous:

Either the very sweet parents of the class bully/mean girl, or the very mean parents of a child your child adores. AWKWARD.

 

 

6.  Gossip Girl:

Loves to help and to be involved. Knows everyone in the class — all the kids, and all the parents.  The kids adore her. While a good-natured, loving and fun person, is somewhat mischievous.  Tell her NOTHING in confidence. Her motto is, “I don’t repeat gossip, so I’m only going to say this once. . .”

 

 

 

7.  Mrs. Hurricane:

Always rushing, anxious and a hot mess.  Would lose her eyes if they weren’t stuck inside her face, and always has some crazy story.  Usually has a toddler in tow to complicate things. Desperately needs a personal assistant or organization consultant.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

8.  The Haughty Snuffleuffagus:

Has a high-power job, working a bajillion hours per week, and therefore makes rare appearances at school.  Is perhaps married to #1.  If s/he talks to you, it takes you back to being an awkward high school freshman trapped in casual convo with the Principal.

 

 

 

 

 

9. The Exceptionalist:

The rules don’t apply.  Cuts in front of the carpool line. Invites only select members of the class to a birthday party, even though this flouts policy. Never contributes to the class potluck, but shows up anyway.  Doesn’t care how s/he comes off, so don’t even botherconfronting. That goes for you, Ms. Irunthisplace.

 

 

 

 

10.  The Chatterbox:The benign sister of the Argumentative Accoster.  Loves to chat about nothing, which is usually totally fine with a normal person, but unfortunately there is something unquantifiably irksome about this gal.  No topic is off topic; she will prattle on about things that rhyme with berectile confunction and poe dungus. And backing away while checking the time, one’s face contorted in distress like a trapped animal, means nothing.These might be funny little caricatures, but I know which types I come close to being.Who are you?

Anyone I forgot?  Juicy tales to share?

Do tell!

Comments

  1. OMG, my sister and I were just talking about this yesterday! I have met all these parents and I’m always amazed at what I see. This year, my son had a girl in class who’s mom is a stripper! He told the kids all about it! UGH! Great post.
    ~Erin

    • Keesha says:

      I am glad that I’m not just being gratuitously snarky. There are some crazy folks out there, aren’t there. A stripper, really, wow – that does beat all! I hope she’s a nice stripper :) There are so many parents with legit, even prestigious jobs, who as far as civility is concerned make Tony Soprano look like Mr. Rogers!

  2. Mami2jcn says:

    I think I might be Mrs. Hurricane…oh no!

    • Keesha says:

      I am definitely a combination of Gossip Girl and Mrs. Hurricane myself!

  3. trisha says:

    i guess since i dont participate in school things, I fall under “never around”..lol

    trisha

    • Keesha says:

      And that’s fine, too. That way you keep your hands out of the nutbowl!

  4. This is great! Thankfully I don’t think I fit any of these. I’m the shy parent that’s super focused on my kids!

  5. Brandy says:

    Love this post! I don’t even notice the parents at the school a whole lot, too busy chasing the wild monster I am raising who is four!

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