Mompocrisy

Do as Mommy says, not as she does, ok?

What Mommy Says:  “Pay attention to what you’re doing.”
What Mommy Does:  Cooks dinner while doing laundry, and checking her blog stats and Facebook.  Wonder why dinner tastes like $%#@.

What Mommy Says:  “If you don’t get enough sleep you won’t be able to function.”
What Mommy Does:  Needs the jaws of life to pry her from her computer (because she’s finally focused) at 1 a.m.

What Mommy Says: “Don’t snack too close to your meal – you’ll ruin your appetite!”
What Mommy Does:  Eats her children’s combined birthweights in cheddar bunnies followed by a wine chaser.  Then dinner.  Then wonders why her ass needs it’s own zip code.

Mommy Says: “Use appropriate words, such as “I feel angry” to discuss your feelings.  Take a deep breath instead of yelling.”
What Mommy Does:  Readily calls other drivers words that rhyme with masstoll and puckshed.


What Mommy Says
:
 “You get what you get and you don’t get upset.”
What Mommy Does:  Bitches and moans that she is personally cursed by the weather, a lousy table at a restaurant, bird poop on the car, the lack of available parking, you name it.

What Mommy Says: “Too much screen time is bad for your brain.”
What Mommy Does:  Watches TV while web surfing/tweeting on her Ipad.

What Mommy Says:  “Let’s stay on task so we can get from A to B on time.”
What Mommy Does:  Although totally off schedule, does a 15-minute stop-n-chat with a neighborhood friend at the produce market.

What Mommy Says:  “Clean up before you start a new project.”
What Mommy Does:  Regularly leaves the house with it looking like it was ransacked by wild boars.

What Mommy Says:  “Sit properly and eat your dinner.  Try to savor your food.”
What Mommy Does:  Eats dinner with legs off the chair sideways, so can jump up to fetch requests every other minute.  Shovels in her food as though at any minute someone will steal her plate.

What Mommy Says:  “We are patient with people who can’t hear or understand what we say.”
What Mommy Does:  Snaps at Daddy who despite continual requests, still insists on a “different” method of shirt folding.

What Mommy Says:  “Everyone makes mistakes.”
What Mommy Does:  Tears her hair about the state of humanity.  All but paddles herself because she only has two wipes in the diaper bag/ ruined a just manicured nail/ forgot that more than somewhat necessary ingredient for tonight’s recipe.  Then Googles some self-help books and asks for friends recommendations for a good shrink.  Tries to give herself some points for effort…

Comments

  1. Amy Weisman says:

    Brilliant! I do the 15 minute stop-and-chat daily. :)

  2. Keesha says:

    But do you do 30? That’s when you are simply courting trouble…

  3. This was hilarious, but sadly true. I’ve got to get better at that!

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