Funny Jokes To Start Your Weekend

 

 

 

An attractive blonde and a handsome man step into the same elevator. The blonde sighs happily and says ‘T-G-I-F’, He smiles at her and replied,  ‘S-H-I-T’.  “The blonde thinks perhaps he didn’t hear her correctly, so she repeats it once again: ‘T-G-I- F!’.   “He acknowledges her remark and replies once again ‘S-H- I- T’. Finally, the blonde explains ‘Sir, T-G-I- F,  Thank God it’s Friday!’ get it”  “Stepping out of the elevator, the man smirks and says ‘S-H-I-T …Sorry honey, it’s Thursday.

At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends.
“The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!” “An old granny overheard and spoke up, “Honey, if that’s all you want, get a TV!”

Little Girl: Mommy, what is that you are putting on your face?
Mommy: It’s cold cream to make me beautiful.
Little Girl: It doesn’t work, does it?

Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other
one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!”
“The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel
will do. “The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”
“The other says, “Go home Dad, you’re drunk.”

TEACHER: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?
JOHNNY: One dollar.
TEACHER(sadly): You don’t know your arithmetic.
JOHNNY(sadly): You don’t know my father.

Jon left for a two day business trip to Chicago. He was only a few blocks away from his house when he realized he’d left his plane ticket on top of his dresser. He turned around and headed back to the house. He quietly entered the door, walked into the kitchen. He saw his wife washing the breakfast dishes, wearing her skimpiest negligee.
She looked so good that he tiptoed up behind her, reached out, and squeezed her left tit. “Leave only one quart of milk,” she said. “Jon won’t be here for breakfast tomorrow.”

On his way out of church, Frank stopped at the door to speak to the minister. “Would it be right,” he asked, “for a person to profit from the mistakes of another?”  “Absolutely not!” replied the pastor.  “In that case,” said the young man, “I wonder if you’d consider returning the hundred dollars I paid you to marry my wife and me last July.”

 

Enjoy your Weekend!

Comments

  1. Lol, these are so funny!

  2. LOL, thanks for the laugh!

  3. Those are great! Thanks I needed the laugh!

  4. omg, the joke with the mom is killing me!

  5. Kate says:

    LOL! Good jokes, looking forward to reading some more!

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